O, this world has finally caught me in its false beauty. I have been weakened, finally! Was the trial of hardship better for me? Am I more disobedient to the Creator when I feel self-sufficient? Woe to me! May Allah protect me from His Wrath, for I have been ungrateful.
Just yesterday my lecturer distributed our marks. My marks was very good, alhamdulillah. In fact, not that I am boasting, but it was almost far reachable by almost everybody. Even my friends said that my marks were just too good, and that I was not like them. But that was their comment. I had a different view. I thought I had lost too much marks. And I felt it was unfair because there were certain occasions where I did not deserve a cut of marks, but I did not want to argue with my obstinate teacher. I took a glimpse of my other friends’ marks, which were in the same scholarship as I am. I was doing some comparison of my own. Yet, after that I still felt greedy. I was suddenly reminded by my conscience. This was a trial! I remembered how I once did not do very well in my exams, and had a friend who was doing superbly well. I was, well, you could say jealous at that time. And I often prayed that I did well in my exams. I did well, but my friend did so much better. I felt like my friend was very lucky. I often felt very very humble, because of my marks. But I prayed a lot, worked hard, and leaved matters to Allah after that. When I got high marks one day, I felt a slight proudness in me. I finally understood why Allah gave me humble marks. It was His blessing, for He wanted me to experience humility, for Allah knows that I will be ungrateful when I feel self-sufficient. And now, after I outwardly claimed in my prayers that I only seek the HereAfter from Him, He grants me a portion of this world’s beauty, as a trial. I am so ashamed to go to
Him, and when He tells me that all my prayers were just lies. My love for this world is too strong. I started to feel self sufficient after getting very good marks for all my exams. Yet it was Him who helped me all this while. And for awhile, I had been blinded. :(
“Nay, verily, man does transgress whenever he believes himself to be self-sufficient.” (96:6-7). Al-Quran
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